Probably a definite maybe

Oh man... another chance to unload thoughts. How I have missed you freakship. It is a weird life I am living. I just can't seem to put my finger on it sometimes. I wonder if I am happy sometimes and I can't agree more that I am. Am I a little unsure of what is next? Probably a definite maybe.

I took a mental health day today. Not sure why. Just felt like the right thing to do I guess. I found a nice spot on the couch and planted myself there. I mindlessly watched tv and didn't really think about much more than keeping comfortable. Sometimes, in retrospect, I feel like I should be doing more. Then I think about it and realize that is me. I am feeling rough and raw at this point in my life. No longer having that safety net and just experiencing it. Screw it... I'll stare at the wall and contemplate infinity if I want to.

"You don't know me...you don't even care"

Besides my horrible grammar and English skills that have gone un-challenged post High School, I feel like I should be a writer. I have never been much of a person that does something amazing and gets the moment to stand out as the glorified nobody of the minute. I have always been the passive observer. Maybe even the philosopher or existentialist with everything under the microscope. I don't do it to judge... I do it to understand... Understand what? I don't know yet. Which is why I am probably definite about being unsure about all this, uh, what do you call it... Life?

There was a time when I use to talk about it all a lot more. This constant urge to figure it all out that is. I miss my friends, idealists, pilgrims and lost souls who use to live during the night when the rest of the zombies slept. What happened?! Those endless nights are like a memory from the dream the night before. Fading slowly each morning as the coffee wakes you up. Bright eyed and bushy tailed, ignorant and numb to that subconscious knife digging at your soul.

The zombie Apocalypse we feared is here. Started when we left our "no worry" lives and started growing up. I think we forgot what its like to think about infinity. "Was I out of head, was out of mind? How could I have ever been so blind." I feel so narrow minded lately. Work, eat, sleep. Bills, exercise, clean. Do we naturally imprison ourselves as we grow older? I feel like everything is great and my life is good so I am not complaining. But I am just saying I feel like I am constantly ignoring this emptiness around me. It's just a void that needs to be filled with thoughts that I forgot how to create.

It feels good to say absolutely nothing. Just a misfiring brain auto dumping this garbage here in on freakship.

As much as I hate looking back... like I said, I do miss those endless nites. No regrets. One awesome trip I am glad I took. Glad I met the people I did. Cheers!

I think that's it for now... OK.

The world keeps spinning around....and around

I dunno, I lose myself sometimes. Weird how time passes without giving a conscious thought to what I do in between two points. Sometimes I want to talk with old friends, or brief acquaintances and say "I don't mean to be a passer by. I walk a lonely road sometimes, but I am thankful for this friendship, this experience we shared, or the moment we lived together."

I felt like I lived with so much regret for words not said, feelings not expressed and opportunities missed. I even tend to look to far into the future. Lately, I have been seeing things a bit differently. Though I am not sure I will never look back again, I can say at least say I am trying to stay in the present. Surely a person can't disagree that I'll miss alot if I don't live that way. So, even though I have this feeling of emptiness sometimes for certain moments and experiences I can't say I would change it if I could. In fact I can assure you I wouldn't have done it any other way.

I think everything has been pretty good in fact. Yup, still breathing!

I really have been in my old world though. Which is a good thing. It feels good to let my life ripen a bit. I know my friends are all leading vastly different lives then when we last encountered each other. I am proud how far we have all come. How we are all pursuing this great life with everything we got. All the struggles we are experiences at different stages and in different places. As I am now, I know everyone is exactly where they need to be.

I think the best way to put it... I have become numb to the outcome. I think I am going to give it my best shot. I'll do it the best way I know how. In the end, It may not be perfect - But it will be mine.

My only objective from here on out is to treat people a good as I can. If they can say - "I am damn glad I knew that guy" then I think they truly knew who I am...