How long has it been since I dumped my thoughts here? To long I guess. Freakship has always been a great place to get something off my chest and let someone know what I was thinking. Never really sure who, if anyone actually read it, but I always took comfort that it was out there in the matrix for someone to stumble upon. I wanted my thoughts to be available just in case they wound up needing to take refuge on our Freakship at 3:27am when the world is full of mischief, mayhem and chaos. The only ones seeking the weirdness of life wind up here. At those moments when we just need to shout into the distance to hear an echo back. An echo from the ones like us letting us know they are out there. To assure us that there are many others out there contemplating life's mysteries and feeling equally awkward about their own personal journeys in this world of infinite possibilities.
I guess this all started, Freakship that is, when among others we all started drifting in to a point in life where we realized our lives were going to take a new direction. As friends, our lives ran parallel with each other for years as we all grew up. As we all drew near the end of our teenage years we started looking into ourselves a bit more. Some more than others, but we were all destined to face the same questions about our individual journey. My journey started here on Freakship. I thought it was important to let everyone know that I was just as weird as they were. Even if I was the outcast wanting a sense of equality, I knew my path was different and Freakship was my escape.
It has been several years since I posted something worth sharing. I remember having coffee with friends and talking about the next step in life. I'll never forget what I said- " I feel like I have been in a constant stage of reflection for the past few years. I am going to disappear from all this, venture out there, travel and experience everything with no plan for awhile. Someday I'll be back to let everyone know that the world is a much bigger place then what is happening right here at this table."
What I can reasonably explain about the world at this point is that it really isn't that big a place. I have been halfway around the world and further and if anything, the world seems a lot smaller. At this point, I have come to believe that the location is a tangible thing. What makes the world a big place for me is the intangible things. The things that have meaning to me that mean nothing to someone else. These are the greatest treasures of all. Not to sound to high-heaven'ish or overwhelmingly positive of course.
What I am trying to say is; You have to find your own intangible things. I know what you're thinking- "great, another existential douche with no real significant truths behind his words". You may be right. I'll give my own personal examples though and hopefully build a truth here....
I have a 1997, 19 inch, Toshiba, tube television and my good friend just purchased his second 2010, 50 inch, Sony HD television. This is a tangible item for me and intangible for him. His tv represents success in his job, social status and in a hunter gatherer sense of things, he has provided well for his family. My TV represents something I feel guilty about not having when people stay at my house. It also represents why people are disconnected from each other. As best quoted by Marilyn Manson- " Television is a campaign of fear and consumption. If you don't buy this face stuff, you'll get zits and girls won't like you..." I agree! But that is clearly the best part of individuality! We are all allowed to be different and take pride in it.
The point is, without going into to much detail and personal feelings and agendas, we have been brainwashed into thinking that we have to be like everybody else to fit in. Tangible things have become something to obsess over. It may be my own personal experience, but lately I have been heavily judged on how I live my life because it isn't traditional. I take pride in being un-traditional! In my head, I am doing exactly what I am doing because I love doing it! So in response, I am equally judging of judgers. Weird... I recently went to dinner with a group of people who all work for the same "respectable" company. The dinner was a dreadful discussion of how miserable it was to work there and how everyone was rude. However, they all took the liberty of discussing a friend who wasn't doing the same thing and how un-acceptable it was to work in any profession other then there's. What the hell?! The conclusion I could best sense, was that because their "friend" did not have the Bachelors degree, corporate job, nice cars and condo on the beach that they were somehow never going to be happy. In fact, they made it seem as if he would never accomplish anything now, because he didn't do it in the exact order as they did. I took comfort knowing I was in the same category as their friend. They like me though... I guess I'm entertaining.
I am learning that my job has meaning to me and to say "screw everyone else". I think everyone is exactly where they need to be. It is up to each individual to find out why. However, it is not say that you need to question where you are at either. As much as I disagree with the people I ate dinner with, they find meaning in their life. (I hope..)
But what does it all mean!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know. But after 5-6 years since my last journey on the Freakship I am slowly drawing near it again. Ready to lift off in quiet reflection for awhile. The past years have been a journey of finding myself and my place out here in this mad, mad world. I have been having deja vu with my same feelings of uncertainty and I think alot of people my age are dealing with the same thing. Then again, who knows, maybe the Captain and I are meant to pilot this Freakship all alone. But the vessel is here I guess. The doors are open again and it feels good to dust everything off in my mind so it can manifest into the fuel that Freakship needs. I can promise one thing... if you're here then you're not alone. All systems go!!
