Oh man... another chance to unload thoughts. How I have missed you freakship. It is a weird life I am living. I just can't seem to put my finger on it sometimes. I wonder if I am happy sometimes and I can't agree more that I am. Am I a little unsure of what is next? Probably a definite maybe.
I took a mental health day today. Not sure why. Just felt like the right thing to do I guess. I found a nice spot on the couch and planted myself there. I mindlessly watched tv and didn't really think about much more than keeping comfortable. Sometimes, in retrospect, I feel like I should be doing more. Then I think about it and realize that is me. I am feeling rough and raw at this point in my life. No longer having that safety net and just experiencing it. Screw it... I'll stare at the wall and contemplate infinity if I want to.
"You don't know me...you don't even care"
Besides my horrible grammar and English skills that have gone un-challenged post High School, I feel like I should be a writer. I have never been much of a person that does something amazing and gets the moment to stand out as the glorified nobody of the minute. I have always been the passive observer. Maybe even the philosopher or existentialist with everything under the microscope. I don't do it to judge... I do it to understand... Understand what? I don't know yet. Which is why I am probably definite about being unsure about all this, uh, what do you call it... Life?
There was a time when I use to talk about it all a lot more. This constant urge to figure it all out that is. I miss my friends, idealists, pilgrims and lost souls who use to live during the night when the rest of the zombies slept. What happened?! Those endless nights are like a memory from the dream the night before. Fading slowly each morning as the coffee wakes you up. Bright eyed and bushy tailed, ignorant and numb to that subconscious knife digging at your soul.
The zombie Apocalypse we feared is here. Started when we left our "no worry" lives and started growing up. I think we forgot what its like to think about infinity. "Was I out of head, was out of mind? How could I have ever been so blind." I feel so narrow minded lately. Work, eat, sleep. Bills, exercise, clean. Do we naturally imprison ourselves as we grow older? I feel like everything is great and my life is good so I am not complaining. But I am just saying I feel like I am constantly ignoring this emptiness around me. It's just a void that needs to be filled with thoughts that I forgot how to create.
It feels good to say absolutely nothing. Just a misfiring brain auto dumping this garbage here in on freakship.
As much as I hate looking back... like I said, I do miss those endless nites. No regrets. One awesome trip I am glad I took. Glad I met the people I did. Cheers!
I think that's it for now... OK.
11.17.2010
11.08.2010
The world keeps spinning around....and around
I dunno, I lose myself sometimes. Weird how time passes without giving a conscious thought to what I do in between two points. Sometimes I want to talk with old friends, or brief acquaintances and say "I don't mean to be a passer by. I walk a lonely road sometimes, but I am thankful for this friendship, this experience we shared, or the moment we lived together."
I felt like I lived with so much regret for words not said, feelings not expressed and opportunities missed. I even tend to look to far into the future. Lately, I have been seeing things a bit differently. Though I am not sure I will never look back again, I can say at least say I am trying to stay in the present. Surely a person can't disagree that I'll miss alot if I don't live that way. So, even though I have this feeling of emptiness sometimes for certain moments and experiences I can't say I would change it if I could. In fact I can assure you I wouldn't have done it any other way.
I think everything has been pretty good in fact. Yup, still breathing!
I really have been in my old world though. Which is a good thing. It feels good to let my life ripen a bit. I know my friends are all leading vastly different lives then when we last encountered each other. I am proud how far we have all come. How we are all pursuing this great life with everything we got. All the struggles we are experiences at different stages and in different places. As I am now, I know everyone is exactly where they need to be.
I think the best way to put it... I have become numb to the outcome. I think I am going to give it my best shot. I'll do it the best way I know how. In the end, It may not be perfect - But it will be mine.
My only objective from here on out is to treat people a good as I can. If they can say - "I am damn glad I knew that guy" then I think they truly knew who I am...
I felt like I lived with so much regret for words not said, feelings not expressed and opportunities missed. I even tend to look to far into the future. Lately, I have been seeing things a bit differently. Though I am not sure I will never look back again, I can say at least say I am trying to stay in the present. Surely a person can't disagree that I'll miss alot if I don't live that way. So, even though I have this feeling of emptiness sometimes for certain moments and experiences I can't say I would change it if I could. In fact I can assure you I wouldn't have done it any other way.
I think everything has been pretty good in fact. Yup, still breathing!
I really have been in my old world though. Which is a good thing. It feels good to let my life ripen a bit. I know my friends are all leading vastly different lives then when we last encountered each other. I am proud how far we have all come. How we are all pursuing this great life with everything we got. All the struggles we are experiences at different stages and in different places. As I am now, I know everyone is exactly where they need to be.
I think the best way to put it... I have become numb to the outcome. I think I am going to give it my best shot. I'll do it the best way I know how. In the end, It may not be perfect - But it will be mine.
My only objective from here on out is to treat people a good as I can. If they can say - "I am damn glad I knew that guy" then I think they truly knew who I am...
8.12.2010
All systems go
How long has it been since I dumped my thoughts here? To long I guess. Freakship has always been a great place to get something off my chest and let someone know what I was thinking. Never really sure who, if anyone actually read it, but I always took comfort that it was out there in the matrix for someone to stumble upon. I wanted my thoughts to be available just in case they wound up needing to take refuge on our Freakship at 3:27am when the world is full of mischief, mayhem and chaos. The only ones seeking the weirdness of life wind up here. At those moments when we just need to shout into the distance to hear an echo back. An echo from the ones like us letting us know they are out there. To assure us that there are many others out there contemplating life's mysteries and feeling equally awkward about their own personal journeys in this world of infinite possibilities.
I guess this all started, Freakship that is, when among others we all started drifting in to a point in life where we realized our lives were going to take a new direction. As friends, our lives ran parallel with each other for years as we all grew up. As we all drew near the end of our teenage years we started looking into ourselves a bit more. Some more than others, but we were all destined to face the same questions about our individual journey. My journey started here on Freakship. I thought it was important to let everyone know that I was just as weird as they were. Even if I was the outcast wanting a sense of equality, I knew my path was different and Freakship was my escape.
It has been several years since I posted something worth sharing. I remember having coffee with friends and talking about the next step in life. I'll never forget what I said- " I feel like I have been in a constant stage of reflection for the past few years. I am going to disappear from all this, venture out there, travel and experience everything with no plan for awhile. Someday I'll be back to let everyone know that the world is a much bigger place then what is happening right here at this table."
What I can reasonably explain about the world at this point is that it really isn't that big a place. I have been halfway around the world and further and if anything, the world seems a lot smaller. At this point, I have come to believe that the location is a tangible thing. What makes the world a big place for me is the intangible things. The things that have meaning to me that mean nothing to someone else. These are the greatest treasures of all. Not to sound to high-heaven'ish or overwhelmingly positive of course.
What I am trying to say is; You have to find your own intangible things. I know what you're thinking- "great, another existential douche with no real significant truths behind his words". You may be right. I'll give my own personal examples though and hopefully build a truth here....
I have a 1997, 19 inch, Toshiba, tube television and my good friend just purchased his second 2010, 50 inch, Sony HD television. This is a tangible item for me and intangible for him. His tv represents success in his job, social status and in a hunter gatherer sense of things, he has provided well for his family. My TV represents something I feel guilty about not having when people stay at my house. It also represents why people are disconnected from each other. As best quoted by Marilyn Manson- " Television is a campaign of fear and consumption. If you don't buy this face stuff, you'll get zits and girls won't like you..." I agree! But that is clearly the best part of individuality! We are all allowed to be different and take pride in it.
The point is, without going into to much detail and personal feelings and agendas, we have been brainwashed into thinking that we have to be like everybody else to fit in. Tangible things have become something to obsess over. It may be my own personal experience, but lately I have been heavily judged on how I live my life because it isn't traditional. I take pride in being un-traditional! In my head, I am doing exactly what I am doing because I love doing it! So in response, I am equally judging of judgers. Weird... I recently went to dinner with a group of people who all work for the same "respectable" company. The dinner was a dreadful discussion of how miserable it was to work there and how everyone was rude. However, they all took the liberty of discussing a friend who wasn't doing the same thing and how un-acceptable it was to work in any profession other then there's. What the hell?! The conclusion I could best sense, was that because their "friend" did not have the Bachelors degree, corporate job, nice cars and condo on the beach that they were somehow never going to be happy. In fact, they made it seem as if he would never accomplish anything now, because he didn't do it in the exact order as they did. I took comfort knowing I was in the same category as their friend. They like me though... I guess I'm entertaining.
I am learning that my job has meaning to me and to say "screw everyone else". I think everyone is exactly where they need to be. It is up to each individual to find out why. However, it is not say that you need to question where you are at either. As much as I disagree with the people I ate dinner with, they find meaning in their life. (I hope..)
But what does it all mean!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know. But after 5-6 years since my last journey on the Freakship I am slowly drawing near it again. Ready to lift off in quiet reflection for awhile. The past years have been a journey of finding myself and my place out here in this mad, mad world. I have been having deja vu with my same feelings of uncertainty and I think alot of people my age are dealing with the same thing. Then again, who knows, maybe the Captain and I are meant to pilot this Freakship all alone. But the vessel is here I guess. The doors are open again and it feels good to dust everything off in my mind so it can manifest into the fuel that Freakship needs. I can promise one thing... if you're here then you're not alone. All systems go!!
I guess this all started, Freakship that is, when among others we all started drifting in to a point in life where we realized our lives were going to take a new direction. As friends, our lives ran parallel with each other for years as we all grew up. As we all drew near the end of our teenage years we started looking into ourselves a bit more. Some more than others, but we were all destined to face the same questions about our individual journey. My journey started here on Freakship. I thought it was important to let everyone know that I was just as weird as they were. Even if I was the outcast wanting a sense of equality, I knew my path was different and Freakship was my escape.
It has been several years since I posted something worth sharing. I remember having coffee with friends and talking about the next step in life. I'll never forget what I said- " I feel like I have been in a constant stage of reflection for the past few years. I am going to disappear from all this, venture out there, travel and experience everything with no plan for awhile. Someday I'll be back to let everyone know that the world is a much bigger place then what is happening right here at this table."
What I can reasonably explain about the world at this point is that it really isn't that big a place. I have been halfway around the world and further and if anything, the world seems a lot smaller. At this point, I have come to believe that the location is a tangible thing. What makes the world a big place for me is the intangible things. The things that have meaning to me that mean nothing to someone else. These are the greatest treasures of all. Not to sound to high-heaven'ish or overwhelmingly positive of course.
What I am trying to say is; You have to find your own intangible things. I know what you're thinking- "great, another existential douche with no real significant truths behind his words". You may be right. I'll give my own personal examples though and hopefully build a truth here....
I have a 1997, 19 inch, Toshiba, tube television and my good friend just purchased his second 2010, 50 inch, Sony HD television. This is a tangible item for me and intangible for him. His tv represents success in his job, social status and in a hunter gatherer sense of things, he has provided well for his family. My TV represents something I feel guilty about not having when people stay at my house. It also represents why people are disconnected from each other. As best quoted by Marilyn Manson- " Television is a campaign of fear and consumption. If you don't buy this face stuff, you'll get zits and girls won't like you..." I agree! But that is clearly the best part of individuality! We are all allowed to be different and take pride in it.
The point is, without going into to much detail and personal feelings and agendas, we have been brainwashed into thinking that we have to be like everybody else to fit in. Tangible things have become something to obsess over. It may be my own personal experience, but lately I have been heavily judged on how I live my life because it isn't traditional. I take pride in being un-traditional! In my head, I am doing exactly what I am doing because I love doing it! So in response, I am equally judging of judgers. Weird... I recently went to dinner with a group of people who all work for the same "respectable" company. The dinner was a dreadful discussion of how miserable it was to work there and how everyone was rude. However, they all took the liberty of discussing a friend who wasn't doing the same thing and how un-acceptable it was to work in any profession other then there's. What the hell?! The conclusion I could best sense, was that because their "friend" did not have the Bachelors degree, corporate job, nice cars and condo on the beach that they were somehow never going to be happy. In fact, they made it seem as if he would never accomplish anything now, because he didn't do it in the exact order as they did. I took comfort knowing I was in the same category as their friend. They like me though... I guess I'm entertaining.
I am learning that my job has meaning to me and to say "screw everyone else". I think everyone is exactly where they need to be. It is up to each individual to find out why. However, it is not say that you need to question where you are at either. As much as I disagree with the people I ate dinner with, they find meaning in their life. (I hope..)
But what does it all mean!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know. But after 5-6 years since my last journey on the Freakship I am slowly drawing near it again. Ready to lift off in quiet reflection for awhile. The past years have been a journey of finding myself and my place out here in this mad, mad world. I have been having deja vu with my same feelings of uncertainty and I think alot of people my age are dealing with the same thing. Then again, who knows, maybe the Captain and I are meant to pilot this Freakship all alone. But the vessel is here I guess. The doors are open again and it feels good to dust everything off in my mind so it can manifest into the fuel that Freakship needs. I can promise one thing... if you're here then you're not alone. All systems go!!
6.17.2010
Chicago Field Day
Enjoy, here's some selected photos from the brief walk a few friends and I took in Chicago..
6.11.2010
New Template
I hope those that stumble upon this site enjoy the new feel of the site. Thanks to about an hour of messing around with settings, colors and cs4 I've come up with something I don't mind looking at. I wish the same for you as well.
Here's a nod to the other banners that have graced Freak Ship.
Here's a nod to the other banners that have graced Freak Ship.
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