Some kind of philosophy

I guess I always wind up here; confused, because it's easy to get caught up in the "not so me". I once sat in a seminar, and at the time I was sitting there it didn't have the same value as it does now. Now, it makes sense. With every great form of art, there is great expression. A person finding some media to provide them the path to expression. Now I realize why I write, even though its not with proper grammer, and my high school english teacher would cry after reading my total lack of correct puntuation with my famous triple period sequence to mark my pause in thought...

Nonetheless, as i said, i always wind up here, because "there must be a way to change, so this is all or nothing".

Once again, i find myself mixed up, and off the trail i was heading down. I got here on my own demise though, so, i'm not totally confused, but wanting to kick myself in the butt for getting scared into it. "You never know what the future will bring, cause it don't mean a thing". I think that qoute sums it up the best. I have been doing alot of thinking lately, about the future, and planning for it, or at least trying to get an idea. And it always depresses me. Why live for something you will never get to. The future is always ahead of you, and you will never catch up to it. Lately, i feel like i have been doing that, and it makes me feel so helpless, and so repressed because i always want to be there. And the longer i think about there, i miss out on everything here. Never working towards what i want. I guess i am just living ahead of myself.

I had an awakening, somewhere between a spiritual awakening, and an existential philosophy. Trying to find myself in myself, and trying to find the value of value. Trying to find an astrological answer in a place where the city blinds out the stars. Except for Orions belt which i can see clearly off my back porch through the orange stained night off downtown Norfolk. The whistles at the shipyard every hour for a break, bringing me back to earth, making me keep my feet on the ground. Its not like it used to be, when i could go off into outer space, and look back at the earth and think it wasn't that big.

Here i am though, relapsing, looking strangly into the mirror every morning shaving myself away for them, and i don't know who it is anymore. I mean, i know who it is, but, i question how i keep forgetting me so frequently. The politics, and the war, and the death, and this parade of paranoia i watch on t.v. makes me so delierious. I watch these images and they become this real world episode season premiere that everyone sits back and watches. The next day gossiping about it like it's even worth mentioning. But its not, its just the filler for this huge void we all feel in our lives. And this is the thing that is bothering me lately.

Between my lack of understanding in present time, and the void fillers i find myself stocking up on, only so i can announce them at any chance to make a connection with people is...empty... We should all have binoculars, and be staring off into space at night as far as we can, and discussing the possibility of it all, and living now for us, not living for the future for them. Maybe i am exactly where i need to be, for a realization, but i understand here is not me, i don't judge it against anyone else because it is the right place for alot of people.

"What root did it grow from, whos doing this, whos killing us... robbing us of life and light, mocking us at the sight of what we might have known.... does our world benefit the earth, help the plants grow, and the sun to shine........................ is this darkness in you too, have you passed through this night?"

....."i think its strange..you never knew."

(This is another post...slightly premature and not ready...but i'll post it now):

As capable as we are of using our mind and reason, and applying interpretation and experience to our existance....we still try to apply logic to our lives.

Someone said to me, "You are trying to apply logic to a situation that doesn't have any again." At the time, i didn't realize the magnitude of these words, and the pure infinate manifestation of how simple it was, and how much it makes sense. There is logic to life if you want it, but in reality, there is no logic. We can make money, fall in love, climb the highest mountain, dive deep into our minds, industrialize our civilization, and move technology to the brink of a new explosion of ideas. Logic yes, because we can say, i want to create new things, or i want to experience love in my life, or i want adventure. Its all there at our fingertips if we want it, we can choose any one scenerio and live it out for our insignificant 70-80 years of walking talking and breathing, but there is no logic to the whole situation.

There is only existance... And every scenerio that is available, exists only because we exist. And thats the simplicity. We exist, and there is a mess of chaos out there, and somewhere in between falling asleep and waking up every day...there is an answer in there somewhere, a reason...something.

I guess i shouldn't say reality in general..but in my reality...there is no logic. There is only existance, and by knowing this, and knowing that i am here to experience and be myself in this reality, i don't strive for any real answers...just ideas, and theories. Experience.....

I got in a jesus freak talk earlier today with someone, and i regurgitated lots of things i normally do, but today, for some reason, it made more sense to me. I find myself deep in a mess i can't really explain now. It lies somewhere in the realm of dreaming, or not being fully awake, mistified by random quantum physics/mechanics, string theory, collective consciousness, and thoughts creating the architechtural structure of our reality. Somewhere in there is faith and beliefs. None necessarily correlating to any one god in any distant plane or form. The essence of an understanding is there....maybe the basics, but i don't tend to act like i know my life, and that it is how i should live and that its a better idea than anyone elses. I just know it feels right. And so far, every once in awhile, i get a small piece of text, or saying that fits into whatever stage i am at...and i feel like i am going in the right direction.

Take god for instance. We have God, and religion. Branching from those...are Faith. From what i have gathered, christians (those that beleive god is almighty, and jesus is our savior and the son of god) figure, there is one god, and then choose a religion (a set rule system/belief system) that as far as they know is the best interpretation of the gods word, and what he means for us to do with our lives so that when we die, we can be one with god.

To me, faith is not believing in god, and that he is our savior. Faith is something that is in our heart, its either there or not. Its not learned, its inside us...however strong or weak it may be. Faith to me, is waking up and being inspired to live my life, to lead my life in a way that does not interupt someones daily routine or reality. Faith to me is believing there is something far beyond us, and to not get distracted from the possibilties and categorize our world into simple chapters and appendices.

I have faith that there is something all around us, that is so deep and so complex of an existance we can't even pick up on it. God is just one of those answers for someone who feels like there is more, but gave up on trying to find it. Not to say god is wrong, but its not the answer, well at least not to me. But maybe a part of the answer or at least a tangent that will help someone understand it all.

Using our minds to influence the world around us a huge part of new age human development, only because we are starting to realize there is connections to everything all around us, and since the beginning of time. Magic, witchcraft, quantum physics, God, string theory...all very similiar, some being more in depth..some just focusing on one idea.

Collective conscious. One multidimensioned web of mind and spirit. We see this connection when we here people talk about god. Prayers, being us sending our thoughts to god consciously. Magic, and witchcraft, using your mind and spirit to influence your reality, string theory, actually mentally creating your day to day reality. They are all so vast on their own scale...but have alot of the same simularities. And i realize i may go off on a tangent and throw something out that doesn't make much sense because i don't fill in the gap with examples, but i am hoping to fill in those eventually...just a big jumble in my brain right now...and i am trying to at least make a basic outline.

the things that meant so much have gone away, decayed and faded, and i look forward to find something to hold on to, something to remind me of you, but i can't find truth, only abuse in the lonesome skies, where the sun won't rise, and dreams die, i'm over here on there side, trying to hide.



[Missing subtext inbetween the text.....inbetween the dreams, inbetween the thoughts] if i woulda left everything i just wrote, anyone who would have read it would have seriously called a psychiatrist for me.


It feels like i walk alone. I act as if i am one of them, but the truth is i am only me, deep beneath. Trying to hide when i am in the open, and running away towards the same beginning. Holding on to nothing anymore, just looking for something to hold on to. I fell fast and am beginning to stand up slowly, but knees keep buckling, and my hands keep shaking,
She made me stellar, bringing me away from this gravity that keeps pulling me down.

Random Pic Post

So yeah, I'm not going to school today, shame on me.

I swear I'll go tomorrow.....
Aaaannnyyway, Enjoy..