April 1st, 2005
Here I am. Officially deployed for about half a year. Its kind of surreal that I am here. I think to myself, that this life isn't me. But, then again, here I am, so i guess i was actually supposed to be here for some reason. Although it feels like I was much more myself back home, in a quiet town, thinking outside of it, rather than being this person out here in open territory. There are times when I wish I was back home with everyone, and other times, I think having everything flipped upside down helps me find myself. I guess I just feel so distant from everything back home, and it feels like I will never see some of the people I really enjoyed hanging out with. Our lives ran parallel for so many years, its weird to stray from the path. Feels like i can't walk straight anymore, and I always seem to be falling down.
Its been gloomy weather out here for the last few days. It seems as if the ship has been fighting to keep its head above the waves. The rain has kept all the dry personalities inside to complain about the weather. I felt locked up today, so i decided to go out in the rain, out into the oceans wind shaken mess. I stayed out there having water hit me from all directions, there was no sense of order from where it was coming from. I stayed out there for awhile, soaking in the rain and seawater. The water flavoring my lips like salt. It was refreshing to soak it all up, standing in the rain, watching the ocean. I feel much better now.
April 3rd, 2005
I have been watching all these old movie clips from high school that i took. Watching those and thinking about high school seems so weird. It seems like forever ago we were there walking the halls with eachother. Kinda sad that we don't get to see one another like that anymore. I don't know how i feel about all this. It was kinda sad to watch i guess. I have been so detached from everything since i left, and haven't really connected with to many people on the same level as most of the people i connected with back home. Those times still mean alot to me i guess. Makes what i am doing seem insignificant right now. Feels like i left everything i knew back there in flushing, and am out here doing something that doesn't make alot of sense to me at this moment. Maybe I'm just a little homesick.
Before i forget how i feel though, i'll say it again, just as i always do. All the friends back home had such an impact on me and my life. Honestly, they have no idea. I won't ever forget all the people i knew. Those thoughts of all of them are whats keeping me going out here, its what i am holding on to in order to feel like i have something worth devoting myself to, even if it means i got to sacrifice all the comforts. I can only wish them all the happiness in the world.
It's sad that in our world that the military is such a needed thing. The solitude out here, and the emptyness is a little overwhelming today, especially since all i can think about is that i have six more monthes of this.
Overwhelming....... twenty four hours ago i woke up dreaming of a life that doesn't exist out here, and i won't get to go back to that dream for another five hours.
April 05, 2005
Listening to a little jimi hendrix followed by stevie ray vaughn. Getting pumped up for my port visit to gibralter. A small coastal area owned by the U.K. Apparently there are lots of monkeys there. I think i might just follow one of them around for the day. could be an interesting time out there. Eating bananas and climbing through the trees.
Actually, i more or less find myself speaking down to the local brits at a grungy bar, getting toasty on their finest frothy brew. That could be even more fun. Apparently brits only do three things. Drink, Watch soccer, and fight. International incident? I think Yes. Luckily my friend is on restriction and won't be able to go out and party. He is just like a brit, which means he can drink alot morethan mw, and he likes to fight twice as much. Its quite the trip just watching him operate in any social situation involving alchohol cause you know he will start some shit after he dominates a fistful of drinks. in my recent monthes i would have enjoyed being along side of him. I have had quite the transition though.
Its strange how out of place i feel at times, and how lost i can get. But at the same time, i guess i am having a good time. I still miss everything back home alot, and wish i was there all the time. But i am starting to realize that most of those same old good times are over. And going back home isn't the wholesome place i am thinking it will be. I know things have changed. But after the other night i realized i have been holding on to it so much cause i really haven't started anything new yet. I didn't really have time to get ahold on my surroundings yet in Norfolk cause i spent so much time staying flexible to leave on this deployment. I guess it was good being so versatile though, cause i think if i woulda latched on to anything more than i have, i would be in a way worse condition than i am in now. The ship has been my home for awhile, so its not like this is unfamiliar.
Nonetheless, i over-exaggerate my life sometimes, and make it way to complicated. I keep forgetting about the endless nights i spent with jared in town, working late at Kathy's and than driving around in a daze all night. All we did was reflect on our lives, and the people we knew, and how much we needed to get outta michigan for awhile and see something new. Even thought its been a hard transition, and still is, here i am, the night before i step foot into a new country, and a completely different world than i knew back home. We are on the other side of the ocean right now, closer to Europe than home. Its weird to have the U.S. Behind me. leaving all that behind to forget about all its complications. I have alot of work, and a busy schedule out here, but, my head is so much more clear without all the distractions of everyday life. I spend alot of my free time staring out into the ocean. Watching the sunrise in the morning, feeling that nice clean wind, and seeing a perfect blue for an infinity. the impossible doesn't seem so crazy out here. Alot of people tend to speak more in depth out here as well. I guess when you cut out all the bullshit like television, and alchohol, and fast food franchises, people actually start wondering about all the same things i always do. Sometimes there isn't much else to do but let your mind wander. I think its healthy, other people get mad saying they are bored, and they are going insane. Its strange how people think that when their mind has all these questions they feel like they are going crazy. Feeling like all the distractions are necessary. Oh man, how have we been programmed so wrong.
I guess one thing i really wanted to experience out here- and by here i mean outside of flushing- was the human emotion. I felt like i had only experienced so much of that spectrum back home. I was either bored, or having fun, and i was either tired or busy. But being gone for so long, with nothing but myself and a pack of camel lights, accompanied with my guitar every once in awhile and my journal. I have really found all those emotions i never met. Feeling alone, missing everything you thought made you who you are. The rush of something you don't have any idea about, and don't know what to expect. Experiencing life without the distractions so you can learn to understand what your feeling for once, and not so numb. I could write forever about how good it feels to be lost in all these new things i dont fully understand. I guess thats my hobby now. Cause its all i really do. The only thing i have been good at for awhile. Experience....what an interesting activity...
April 10th, 2005
We have hit port in gibralter. It was a great visit so far. Lots of crazy stories to tell from here. Friends getting bit by monkeys, people get hit by cars, and trying to order food from someone who doesn't speak the same language. Oh where do i begin.
Money and food i guess. Things are alot different here. People spend way more time eating in resteraunts than they do back in the states, and they will not give your check until you demand to pay for it. Also, anything that you think is the same as back home is made differently here, and they have a massive lack of condiments. It was majorly hit or miss here. Order a chocolate milk when you order a milkshake. Order a pizza where they seperate the toppings on each slice of pizza, one with pepperoni, one with peppers, others with chicken, but none of the variety on each slice. Speaking to your waiter consists of hand gestures and repitition, as well as alot of regurgitation of what you say to them, and what they say to you to make sure they can come close to what you want. Oh yeah, and there is no salad dressing anywhere you go, so don't order a salad unless you like vinegar on it.
Other than the small complications like that, i really like it over here. Its peaceful. Traffic is normally a couple of blocks away from wherever the general shopping area is. Its really quiet, and easy to relax just about anywhere. Normally all you here is the chatter from the surrounding foreigners.
The night life....amazing. Did i mention you can drink at eighteen. And man do these people like to drink. they'll serve a jack and coke at 8am with your full english breakfast before a coffee sometimes. I actually had a good time here just throwing back some pints with brits. However they took our money all night long in nine ball and the english version of billiards called "snookers".
Coolest thing here is the monkeys at the top of the rock of gibralter. They are really excitable, and actually three guys from my ship were attacked by them.
Eh..i dont feel like writing tonight...i will have to get back to this at another time....
April 14th, 2005
It's peaceful for once... Back to explosions in the sky. I haven't listened to this for awhile, and now i remember why i use to listen to it when i would write. Sets my mind at ease for the moments i get to relax and write and displace myself from the confusion. Does anyone else feel the same way i do? So back and fourth on everything we think we know, and want to know. One day, everything makes sense, the next im confused. Somedays i accept where i am and where i am going, and other days i don't believe where i am, and i can't find any of those familiar faces that use to get me through.
I miss those endless nights we all use to share... Everything up and changed so quick for me i really couldn't transition properly. I am still trying to figure shit out, feeling like i have all these weird frustrations no one else has, and always writing about them. Maybe i am just the only one who doesn't mind sharing that i dont know all the answers, and i am glad i dont. I enjoy trying to understand things. I like to understand all the truths between all the facts everyone else knows. I guess thats why i accept my situation. I think this a huge part of my life i am experiencing right now. And its really hard sometimes, cause i feel so alone, and sometimes i feel lost, and that everyone moved on and experienced so much without me, together, back home. Thats hard sometimes... It just feels like i went from one extreme to the other.. One day i was stuck on the inside trying to get out and see something new, and now here i am on the outside...stuck on this outter region, in some wasteland. The barrier i finally escaped from is even harder to climb back over, and even if i did, the world would have already changed inside.
Even though its hard for me, it feels right, wandering through the days, and beeing lost in space at night.
I think i need something to occupy myself with. Nothing to do but listen to music and type away here or write in my journal and sleep and dream. I have delve deep into myself out here. The ocean has a way to sooth me i guess. It as unstable as my life i guess. Maybe thats why it feels like home. It seems endless with possiblities, yet so easy to predict. Its hard to explain the feeling. It's hard to know how i feel. I am just me....and nothing else....
April 22, 2005
Here we are, just transitted through the Suez Canal. Crazy times my friends. Nothing like having soldiers on both sides of a canal pointing guns at you for 18 hours. The hot muggy air making your breaths short cause the air is so thick. Now we are in the red sea, heading south, soon to be off the coast of africa. I almost forgot about the smallpox vaccination i just had to get the other day. Nasty virus in body. Oh, and no showers either cause we are low on potable water and can't make any for awhile. So just call me the smelly kid.
But regardless, things aren't so bad ya know. It's kinda of amazing being out here. Just experiencing it all. Egypt on my right, and saudi arabia to my left, only a couple hundred feet away on either side. I've seen Gibralter at the mouth of the mediterranean, andso much more.
I'm starting to realize that the truths have been right in front of my face all this time. I spend so much time trying to make things out to be worse than they are, and sometimes it makes life miserable ya know. But you gotta make the best of what you got. It's your life, and you only get to live it once. I always seem to forget how thankful i am for everything, and everyone i have met. My biggest problem is finding myself not being me, and thats when i get lost. I'm not a negative person, and im not anything more than who i am. Impressing other people isn't worth my time. but whatever.
But i am really looking forward to getting home, even though we just started this journey. I don't want it to be over yet, cause i like experiencing this, but being home seems so perfect right now. I can't wait to see all my friends and family, cause i'm finally starting to understand it all. Thinking of all you guys who read this! Keep your face towards the sun, and the wind at your back, and may we walk forward never looking back. Because tomorrow is the beginnning of the rest of this adventure.
April 24, 2005
Someday this will all make more sense than it does now, and even though im not discouraged, i still have alot to deal with, but i am glad i got the grasp on most of it. I have finally come to the calm in the storm that i have been in for so long. For awhile i felt as though i was the only one who was lost. I am pretty sure i am not the only one...right? But, now that i understand that we are all lost at this age, it makes things easier. It took me awhile to acknowledge the situation. I just have so much running through my head all the time, its hard to be at ease sometimes.
Mostly whats been on my mind is the things i loved so much that i feel are slipping away. I think maybe i let go of something i shouldn't have, and its got me out here wondering what woulda happened had i never walked away, had i never said goodbye, and had i never helped her walk away from this, and from me. I have spent alot of time in transition from wanting to be free from everything that made sense, that i feel like a hostage of illusions. And right now, its hard to figure out whats real, and whats illusion, cause here i am in this abyss unknowingly difficult situations with no one to guide me but jealousy, solitude, and fantasy. Until i hear someone's voice that tells me thats its either one way or the other, i am in limbo between what i want, and what i will actually be blessed with. I like to let my mind wander out there somewhere without the distractions, but sometimes it can get caught in these black holes and i feel like i will never get out of them. And thats when things get the hardest. I just have this picture of the way i want things to work out, but its always distorted by images filled with jeaoulsy, and worried thoughts from my solitude. Truth is, i would die inside without her right now, and all i can think about is not having her, and its driving me crazy.
illusion is a powerful thing, especially with an over active imagination like mine. Those thoughts can cut me to pieces all day, stealing ever piece of my mind till i am nothing, and all i want to do is take everything back that i did wrong till i can feel like i used to, at ease, giving my self away to ease her life, as she eased mine. A place where time stops, and nothing matters, and i dont have to be anything but myself, the place where its easy to breath.
Look at me, falling back four steps everytime i step forward. lol, Everything makes sense though you know? Its just the little tangents like everything i just wrote of. They pull me outside of the truth so quickly. But its the truth, and i sound like a fool lost in love, but the truth is, i am only lost when i'm not there to give myself, and everything i have to her. Especially now, when that is all i have to grasp on to, and all i can do is think about how its not there anymore. I'm sure you all can relate. And the truth is, she is all i have every known, and...im pretty sure she is all i want to know. But i will spare you the shakespeare for now. But only cause i like you guys.
Things out here are moving slow, the days are blending together again, and its hard to keep track of what time it is unless you go outside to see if the sun is out or not.....
May 1st, 2005
"Open up your eyes, don't let your mind tell the story now". I guys thats a good of a quote as i can do for now. Thats what i should be doing, but instead, my head is lost in all these misconceptions of everything. I can't help it though. Things i want, and the way i want things to be are totally out my control right now. Well, most of them at least. I feel like most people moved on right now, or semi forget that they knew me once. I have learned alot out here, and i have come to understand alot of things, one being how i feel about certain people in my life. One in particular. And everything in me says i took it for granted and left it behind. And for awhile there was alot of hope that it wasn't gone, but right now, when there is no communication, when there definately should be, makes me wonder if if she feels the same. But since i have heard nothing from her, especially when i re-confessed everything, i can only assume she has moved on, or found someone else. And when you are halfway across the world thinking about someone else sleeping next to someone they could never possibly feel the same about, tears you apart. A jealous heart is like a dull blade that stabs deep, leaving you too bleed in all the guilt of everything you ever did wrong to her. And i have done some wrong, but it was never cause of her, only cause of my immaturity, or foolish mind. I don't want to have regrets with anything, especially with her, but thats all i can think about right now. Cause she is all i think about out here.
I just can't tell if i am over-exaggerating a situation, or just understanding that the things i did do, or didn't do for her made it easy for her to move on. I don't know. Well thats whats been on my mind when im not busy enough to drowned it out. On top of it all, i have a small-pox vaccination rotting the flesh on my left arm and it feels like there is a golf ball underneath my armpits because my lymphnodes are so swollen. Not to mention that it gives you heavy fatigue and massive headaches, dizzy spells, and a mild fever. And thats just how i feel when i wake up, then i go outside and work in 110 degree weather painting the decks so our ship will look nice when we pull into some fucking port where everyone hates us. With my only one happy thought being her, and coming down to find no email from her..... No beer to ease those thoughts, no cigarettes cause im trying to quit, and can't even drink a decent soda. We have coke, but its made in some third world country. So its decorated like a coke, only its written in arabic. We call em Hajidews. Its coke with 20 times the sugar.
Sorry, im loosing my mind a little out here the last two weeks. our progressive chart of this deployment reading 19.7% complete..... Thats just shitty. The days have just blended together now, its only been like a month, but, ask anyone else and they normally don't have a clue. We just get like 2-4 hour naps every once and a awhile, so you get to see night and day, but normally never the transition, so its all just a blur.
I think i'm just something i wasn't exactly suppose to be a part of, but its changed me so much that i can't go back to where i was, and i don't want to go any further more and forget who i am.
I am starting to realize everyone is gonna read this huge post at the end of six monthes and probably will never talk to me again. lol, and i would understand perfectly, and wouldn't care. I guess if you can't relate to how i feel your lost anyway, im not gonna stay around long enough to care what you think anyway, got to much to go experience.
And let me re-state my previous conclusions: 1) There is no calm in the storm, only a general understanding that your fucked, and you come to accept that your not in control anymore. 2) I don't exaggerate my life, im just generally lost at sea with no idea what is happening in my life back home, the one i left behind, and since im not there, im considering its all falling apart, that way its good news when it doesn't break to pieces and not vise versa. and last but not least 3) We did have beer today, but it was O'douls, so it had no alchohol, so either way, it didn't numb my mind whatsoever.
As of right now ....fuck it all, im not gonna try to play the game anymore, im just gonna accept how the dice rolls out in the end. "Theres an empty place inside of me thats hurting me... its a place where words are spoken that you never hear.....how far can i be away from home"
May 3, 2005
Feeling a little bit more sane today. I haven't smoked any cigarettes in quite some time, it feels good. I seriously don't know what my deal has been lately. Just been really unsure about things i guess. Maybe to stressed out, waiting to hear from people and whatnot. The thing is, i hardly remember one day to the next, its kinda hit or miss when i get here to write. Just haven't been myself lately... maybe it is just the smallpox throwing everything outta sync, cause i feel surprisingly better now that its going away a little.
It's weird though.... Things are just moving to slow i guess. And being trapped on a ship. I move much better on my feet, and or in my Jeep. I don't like being in one place for too long, this kinda how i use to feel in flushing. I hate when i can't get out and go somewhere. It's all good though, i guess.
May 10th, 2005
Do you think we move on from here. I feel so inspired all the time, but wind up with nothin at the end of the day. Its like i am always ready to go do my one great thing in life, but im just waiting for a moment to do it. I have been through the ups and downs this last month or so. Its been crazy. It has really mixed up most of my earlier assumptions of what i thought i wanted.
I have been kicking back and listening to all that good ol classic rock that i love so much. Its strange how some Crosby stills and nash, led Zepplin, pink floyd, and all the other miscellaneous bands from that era can make help you figure things out, or at least calm your mind. I sit down and put on the headphones and listen to all these great melodies that end up either being inspiring, or words of advice. Maybe thats what the problem has been. I haven't listened to my music in quite some time, well like a month and a half or so.
But right now, everything is moving slow, even though my day can be hectic. Stuff is just bouncing off of me lately, and not really sticking. And it feels like i fly in and out of my mind throughout the day, but, for the most part, i have been on some vacation somewhere, and my body is just operating day in and day out so no one notices where i am at.
I just wish i was back home....where ever that is. I am starting to feel like people back home accepted the fact that i am gone now, and kinda made do, or filled the gap, and VA....well, i haven't really settled in there yet. now i am all the way over here.... Just a jack in the dust right now. It's weird you know...well, prolly not, but in a way i am sure you do. I feel like there is nothing to grasp on to right now, nothing to hold close to me that has any real relevance to something i care about. Some i end up tumbling through the wind waiting to land somewhere. The wait is just getting to be a little bit longer than what i expected. I thought i would find more answers to the questions i had back home alot faster than what i have already. Instead, i have an answer bank of 1245664376573657658768787587694679479794946 quadbazillion choices to pick from for a couple questions i was wondering about, which is alot bigger than my previous selection of like 20 choices that i had back home in flushing, so now its alot harder to match the answers to the same questions i had before i left.
I dunno, even now, i come here to write to get something off my chest and i end up rambling, or feels like i am rambling or repeating everything i always say. But the fucked up thing is that its how i always feel.
May 12, 2005
I think my darkness has ceased for a awhile. i was like a completely different person for a few days, but, it feels like its all back to normal for now. Its easy to loose your mind out here. And you can watch people go through the same thing you do as well. They sit all by themselves with their back turned when they eat for a few days, and have a look on their face like they are gonna rip your throat out if you even try to pronunciate a hello to them. It ain't no thang though, just part of the game.
None the less, everything is fine on these smooth seas. we spent the last couple of days towing a small boat of refugees towards Oman till a pakistani naval ship came and took over. Their ship had had some equipment casualties, and one mans thumb was almost severed off. We gave them food and a place to sleep in our port break and any medical attention they needed. But, because they were sleeping in our port break which is where the smoking lamp used to be, they moved it out to the flight deck outside. So every night when i got off i went out there to look at the stars. The sea gets really calm here at night, and the air is really still. The fluoresent algae lighting up all around the ship as we slowly cruised through the gulf. I sat out there with my headphones for awhile each night, having a smoke, and taking it all in. thats about the time when everything clicked in my head. Even though i feel so locked up on this boat, i don't think i would ever pass up being out on the water like this, all the way overseas, experiencing the waters feelings day in and day out. You start to know it well. I'm gonna miss the stars and the water some day. Its amazing beings so isolated, and so far away, its hard to explain. so far we have transitted through the atlantic, stopped at the mouth of the Mediterranean Sea and visited Gibralter, then headed through Med and on to the Suez Canal, down through the Red Sea and into the Gulf of Aden heading towards the Straights of Hormuz and then hanging out in the Gulf For awhile. Each area is noticably different, the way the water moves, the weather.
I have definately got alot of adventure in me left to get out. I think i know what i want sometimes. But i know i don't. Especially when i start to loose it, all i want to do is find something familiar to hold on to, but out here, there is nothing, and its easy for everyone back home to forget about you, and not in a bad way. It's just most people don't understand whats its like to be so isolated, so they don't realize how much things can mean to a person, and i think for awhile i started blaming people and getting mad for not keeping in touch. But, i realize now, everyone has their own lives, and i made a choice to be this far away, so i guess i kinda gotta deal with it. It's all good though. times are changing and so am I.
But, its all crazy as they say.... i guess a little weird.....but mostly crazy............
June 8th, 2005
I knew i would eventually get to where i am at now. The beginning of this whole trip started out so rough. I didn't know what i had gotten into or where i was going, or what i was gonna be doing. I just knew i was leaving alot of stuff behind, and whatever things were left unsaid were gonna stay that way for awhile. And i would be alone. Now that we are deep into this adventure, its all starting to make sense of why i am out here and experiencing it all. Its not so much about the fight, not so much about freedom, or democracy, its about human nature onboard. Its about finding yourself in a situation you could never see yourself in. No body wants to be here, no one wants to be all the way across the world only to have their wife email them to say she's leaving them. And what can anyone do in that situation when you are across oceans....Nothing, you deal with it, and move on. I have seen amazing things in people here. People have horrible things happen to them, and out here its not always about you, its about everyone. Sometimes its hard and things get to people, but for the most part you wouldn't notice that the guy standing next wife just gave him a john dear letter saying she's leaving him, or someones baby was just born or taking their first steps and they are out here missing all of that. thats just for example though, the spectrum goes from the left to the right either way to the extremes. I have learned that there are alot of things in life that we can complain about, alot of things that can get us down, but i think the true test in life is to just keep moving on, keep rocking out, finding your rythym in this great mess of conflicts. Its in those situations where we lose everything and and can find nothin that makes sense that we find ourselves. I went through it, my peers went through it, and lots of other guys onboard have dealt with it. Its never as bad as we think, and one persons actions are never to be judged. You can't judge a book by its cover right? Trust me, that saying goes along way out here, and inturn, for life. It has taken me a long time to realize that.
Like i said, the ocean always has a way of taking your big life problems and dissolving them into its infinity out here. You start thinking about the girl you love, or the jealousy, or the things you miss and this life you want to get back to, and you step outside in the evening watching the sunset, looking all around and all you see is the sky, and the water, and a beautiful transformation from day to night and that life, and those problems dissolve. Cause you realize you aren't there. As someone put it to me... there is your circle of concern, and your circle of control. Concern, is everything we want, need, miss, and love. We can be concerned with everything we want, but its things that we can actually control that are the only things that matter. If you are halfway across the world, you shouldn't be worried about controlling a situation back in the states. Its impossible.
Its difficult to explain. the lessons i have learned out her are so different than what i had originally been conscious of. I ended up the same old person with a new perspective, or a heavily modified version of the original text. Its the same thing as a little town, or a shitty highschool. You can take any situation for what it is, and make it good, or bad. We create our own realities. And trust me, we can easily influence someone else's as well. there are these things we can do in our life, be it an amazing feat, or creative masterpiece, but its not about what we do, its about how we do it. How we walk through life. And how we percieve the world we live in. Waking up and not letting someone else make you day but creating your own perfect day, everyday, or waking up and letting some else destroy your reality, or what you want your reality to be. Self actualization. Once you stop being the him or her that they want you to be, or you think they expect you to be, and just becoming you. I hear people say "Yeah, that dude is in his own little world." But to be perfectly honest, thats where we should all be. In our own little world.
Well i think that is all the wisdom and ramble i can do for now.
June 9th, 2005
Here i am two nights in row. Weird. I felt it again today, i was in my place, in my head. Its been so long since things made sense. The days are long and everlasting out here, and i am always busy, and never get enough sleep, but i have found something inside of me that was missing for awhile. And now it feels like all those endless nights back home when i would write on here, pondering the infinate thoughts of a curious teenagers mind. Had so much to learn, so much to experience, still do. But its starting to feel like i am making progress on this great walk through life finally. I don't know where i am going, or necessarily know what im going to do, i just know that i am moving along at a nice pace now.
I feel like time can stop so easily back home. Or at least thats the general concensus i have gotten from everyone i have talked to. Sometimes i miss that stillness that flushing brought to me, how a small coffee shop patio always seemed like the link between us late afternoon risers and the earlybirds who had been up all day already. It seemed as if that patio and those double vanilla latte's were always the take off point for all the endless nights we spent trying to understand this mess we are all caught in. Whether it be at jim's house around a campfire singing on guitar, or dan cooks chaotic mayhem sword fights and hot tub fantasies with many trips to tim hortons, or the mellowed confines of brents hot tub and basement, playing pool. We made the best of that town.
But for me, it felt like my life was moving to fast for the calm it brought, and the endless nights. I wanted to go to sleep and start a new day for once. I'm not saying i wont hang out on the weekend ever again. But i needed a new day, something fresh, a change of pace. Since i have left, my world has been flipped upside down, blended, chopped, and mixed with wild people, and powerful stories, and infinate possibilities. I was so mixed up for awhile, i didnt know where i was going, or even who i was, i was trying to be flushing every where i went. It took me a long time to realize that i wasn't flushing. Never was. Neither are any of you. Flushing is us, we made that town what it was, and can do it anytime we want. For now, it seems to have gone quiet. Now its time for use to make up the rest of everything outside of flushing... at least for awhile. To much adventure out there to be found.
I walked around outside again this evening, just as the sun was going down. I was taking in the calm of everything around me. The indescribable endlessness of the ocean all around me. And its monsoon season around here. And from what i counted there were three different storms around the horizon. We were heading south, the sun setting to the left of me as i looked off the back off the ship. It was a sight, blue sky to the right broken by a rain storm, then to the left was clouds and a small break where the sky was orange as the sun was setting, behind me was dark purple and gray sky filled with what i would consider "angry" clouds (in non-weather expert terms), and to my far right was just plain gray sky. I was looking around and all the different arrays of clouds and light, and then feeling so tiny noticing the 360 degree view of the horizon, i felt so insignificant, but so powerful. It was like i was seeing something no one i know of will have ever seen or feel. A mellow breeze and the slushing of waves of the side of the ship.I was lost in everything i saw, and everything i felt. It was one of those "moments". The moments i used to right about. I felt as if time stood still, and there was a tingle on the back of my neck and down my spine, and i couldnt help but smile. It was truly amazing. Words and photographs wouldn't do me justice. One of those moments you wish you could physically express in music or art or something, but instead you greedily keep it to yourself. "I counted up my demons, hoping everythings not lost"
And i took a deep breath....because...in this moment, and in this ecstacy and this life...i don't ever want to look back and see regret in my eyes. In a world of countless possibilities, i could only think of one thing, and that was her.
..... as i qoute one of my favorites.
"Everythings not lost....."
June 21, 2005
(Sigh)....Oh the possibilities that lie ahead. The adventures to come, and stories to be written. Sometimes, its not so hard to imagine the impossible. And sometimes, an adventure seems like its escalating every waking moment.
Alot of things can distract us day to day. Out here, they seem to be prevelant. Human nature, the very fuel for the fire, its burning most people alive.
i have come to realize that Human nature can only extinguished by human dignity. But only in its true form, and it seems to be very diluted out here. just some poor mixture made by children, and being used by grown adults. It's sad to see a grown man be incapable of admitting their mistakes, and even worse to see a man push the blame on someone else. I have realized that it doesn't matter how old you are, or how much you have experienced.... Some of us are just further along the trail than others. Maybe its because we can reflect on situations to find a meaning, and we grow to understand, or at least yearn to understand everything.
I am realizing that my path is different than most peoples. I'm not sure what it is, but these daily situations and conflicts are growing old, its like experiencing age five in an adults body. Grown adults, wanting snack time, and wearing fucking name tags around their neck with their bus number so they know who they are and where to go. I can assure you.... i will never be there again, and i am dead serious when i say anyone who is still there will has already missed the bus.
I use to talk about the beauty everywhere, and right now is so cloudy, i haven't been able to see it lately. I feel like i am in a lab test, a participant in some study of people in an isolated envirement where we should see the strengths of the human mind and spirit, but instead, we have only seen the results of how weak the human race is, and how we lack the motivation we once had to evolve. Its all downhill from here ladies an gentleman.
Thats why i feel my isolated thoughts are a gift, and not a burden anymore. I can't wait to break free from it all. Move without looking back, change with the day, and disappear into the night again. In search of everything we all feel is out there.
We were in Seychelles the other day, a small group of islands off the coast of africa, and i realized something riding through the small windy tropical atmosphere. The small island, isolated as it may be, would be heaven for me. Cut off from everything. Just forget about it all.... just live...that all i want to do. I am sick of all the expectations, all the fake emotions, all the false attitudes, and the small minded ideas of people who forgot what it was like to be alive. I dont think they ever had a fuckin clue anyways.
To be perfectly honest...i feel like my identity was stolen as soon as i signed my name. As soon as i was told to cut my hair, and shave. Fuck that, i only have one fuckin life to live, and you get to tell me for four years what i can and cannot do. Well guarantee i will never make a mistake like this again. Freedom....its just a nice thought nowadays, we are all fighting and killing and dying around the world and for what... something that doesnt even exist. I feel completely locked up. I thought in six monthes i would find myself out here, but im so restricted and distracted, i can't even concentrate. I have no creativity, and no motivation. I'm a fuckin zombie robot with a scratched cd that keeps repeating the same thing over and over in a non-graceful way.
The thing that gets me the most, is that i know its just not the navy thats like this. Its most jobs people get. We all work for the man. We all get up in the morning to go have someone else tell us what to do. What kind of life is that? And yet, most people get in the situation, and accept it, cause they forget how good it felt to be on the outside.
I have this place i go to every night when i sleep. Some dream, and its perfect, and when i wake up, i can't remember what it was, or how to get there. but i am so positive its there that i wake up with a smile. and as soon as i get to work, that smile goes away, and i want to punch someone in the face by lunch. People make me sick.
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FUCK!!!!!!!
So i am listening to smashing pumkins "Perfect" Kind of ironic right? I don't know where i am going with anything i am saying anymore. I can't make enough sense out of the letters i combine into words anymore. Its like painting, and you can't mix the right color, or get a curve on something right. I feel retarded....Maybe i am crazy....or maybe just a little weirder than the rest. Either way... i am gonna punch someone in the face by lunch, cause thats just how things work out here right now.
August 5th, 2005
I just realized i have been away from town for over a year and a half now. Its mind-boggling to think about how fast time has gone, and how detached i have become from all the things that i once knew. Sometimes, i find myself jealous of all ideas back home and what people think lies outside the small boundaries. Sometimes i wish i didnt have to be one of the first to leave. But as i said...i guess its right for me, cause here i am.
I really have lost myself out here. I keep thinking of this alternate life i am living back home without all the responsibilities and worries i have now. Its hard to figure out what everything back home means to me. I obviously miss it, and i think about it alot, and i am envious of the freedoms. Here i am experiencing the world in a routine lead by other people. I can't do anything unless they say. Its hard to really feel like i am enjoying myself when i have no real control on what i do. Take it for what it's worth though.
I'm sitting here eating two delicious pears, drinking green tea and am looking at an empty box of "Thin Mints" girl scout cookies that i ate earlier. Seriously though, i don't even want to think about how old those cookies were. I think they are sold like back in february or march, at least i think i remember them being sold at the grocery stores before i left. So, the funny thing is we just got a whole shitload of them out here on the ship, halfway across the world. And well, i guess thats what happens to all the ones that don't get sold. Cause in all honesty, no one out here cares how old they are, i think they will eat them just on principle because its not something from some al jafu abu dabi wholesale vender we get our shitty food from overseas. At least we can relate to the cookies, or make some connection with them and we feel like there is a little piece of home inside every one...needless to say i ate the whole box.
Back to the pears though. I have become very fond of food that comes from the earth. But its so hard to get fresh fruit and vegetables out here. All our food sits on a flight deck on another ship for about an hour or two in 100 degree plus weather. Therefore, the shelflife is not so long. I have been working in the galley for the last 3 monthes doing my collateral duties onboard the ship. So i have dealt with food preparation for most of the time i have been out here. Needless to say, i rarely eat what the cooks prepare anymore, i try my best to stick to my fruits and veges. And then drink my Coffee and green tea inbetween meals. The last two shipments of lettuce we got to make salads with have been heavily rotten, and infested with aphids and catipillars. Its gross, to the point where i am gagging as i cut the heads of lettuce up and pick through it to find good leaves and then individually wash them all off just so the crew can have a decent salad bar.
I know the ocean better than i know what grass feels like or solid ground to walk on. I wake up and go outside to smoke and alls i see is water, kinda gets old after awhile. But the pears are good, and thats all that matters. My camel lights i bought in the in Bahrain are almost out, so it looks i will be quitting smoking here in a couple hours when the last one is gone. But thats a good thing. I guess i need to be in the middle of the ocean with no gas stations around to get cigarrettes in order for me to quit smoking. So i guess thats one thing the navy is gonna help me out with. I never shoulda started smoking again out here, i was doing so good for awhile. God damn Bahrain and there camel lights.
Man...i am so far away.....
The second pear isn't as good as the first.
.....and all i can think about is that no one out there cares anymore...at least not like they used to, back when we shared those endless nights.
"If i'd only waited i wouldn't be stuck here in this hole. Come in, cause my star is fading, and i swerve outta control, and i swear i waited and waited, i gotta get out of this hole."
Cheers to everything that exists in memories for me right now.
August 8th, 2005
Mazzy Star.... good chill music. Green tea, and some kind of buzz from some random thought that has left me somewhat hopeful for something to look forward to in the future. I am not really sure what though. Just got one of those feelings like there is something around the corner waiting for me when i get back, and it will turn everything around again. Feels like the wheels have been going in reverse again. Or maybe i just ran out of gas for awhile. either way, things have made their way to a resting point right now. So, with nothing else to do or worry about, i am just taking in the moment. Hopeful for some unknown reason.
I don't really regret anything i have done up until this point. It seems like everything i have done has led me here. Even the times i messed up and hurt someone. I think its karma. Here i am, thinking about everything i want, and in good company, but feeling alone at the same time. Its not something that makes me upset though, i don't think its something that bothers me. Its actually kind of nice to understand what solitude is, and getting through on my own. Feels like even though i have no real direction yet, i am in control of my life.
"You can spin me around, and let me look into thin air"
I am Never coming to any conclusions...i am starting to really notice the repitition of thoughts i have. I really haven't progressed on any new ideas or conclusions, i have just...well, starting to read inbetween the lines i guess at how much i overlooked. And for now, its all about filling it all in. Something i don't think i could have done if i was back home with the same text in Bold italics that just stands out, and makes me want to skim through everything else. Its all about the subtext, and the sidenotes. Hoping to eventually get to a summary of this chapter, and read on.
August 13, 2005,
Here i am again. Not really sure whats on my mind right now. I am starting to get tired of pondering about everything thats waiting for me back in the states. It has finally hit me that i am ready to be back to someplace familiar. Someplace where i can get in my jeep and disappear down some lonesome road at night and forget about all the distractions in my life. I miss Fairgrounds coffee, my haven for an interesting moment, and place where the weird get weirder. I am an outsider there, not to many people know me, if any, so its easy to sit on the outskirts and listen in on ideas. Its nice to be unimpressive somewhere. Its relaxing. And people can only guess at who you are and what drove you there.
But, right now, thats just a nice thought. Still got another month or so left. Time has really slowed down though. Its hard to even think about anything anymore. Everytime i think about my friends at home, or my family, it just stresses me out, cause all i can think about is the good times they are having, the freedom, a life without worries. All it does is make me go insane, cause even though things are good i am sure, all you can do is think about everything you lost, and the people you will never see again cause yo lost touch, and the feelings that are lost with time and distance, and the experiences you are missing out on. And eventually that just builds up, and its hard. I'll admit it, sometimes you wanna fucking scream just to see if anyone cares anymore. All i want is that familiar time, and those familiar faces, and that familiar life i used to have.
i can wait for that first breath after a coma. Cause i don't think i will be waking up anytime soon.
August 25th, 2005
In port, Jebel Ali, somehwere between Dubai and Abu Dahbi. How i miss the states right now. I am definately ready to get back. I am here, in the land of the "shwarma" a destructive hot sandwhich in pita bread, that will put your body in turmoil for hour the next day as it battles your body's digestive process. I actually went in search of a Mcdonalds the other day, just cause i wanted something familiar, something i new what it tasted like, and how it affected my stomach. Needless to say it was a satisfying democracy of stomach aches. But even though it was mcdonalds, i actually experienced the pulp fiction. I had a royale with cheese. Yes, thats actually what they call them in the middle east. Weird.
Nonetheless, this life is overrated. so far, or at least these years i am going to be in my prime and locked up in the rules of engagement. This is the only job where you will sign in blood, and vow on your life that will defend a constitution that doesn't apply to you for however long you are here to defend it. Irony? Damn the jokes right?
Well, my good friend Morales is heading back tonight to the states. Kinda strange watching people leave hell, and go to heaven. Kinda sucks when you meet people more like you than the rest, and about the time you fall into place with people you meet, you fall out again. I think alot about the people i have met in my life. The people i ran along with for so long, and eventually the gap in our strides just got farther and farther apart, some people are sprinting, some people are just jogging, and some people don't even get off the couch.
Had to get out though, had to run farther than the rest, at least for now. I need to catch up to those people who i can run with for awhile, even if we don't finish the race together.
The people i can connect with here and there help me to keep going. Lets me remember that being strange really just means being yourself. Fuck what anyone else thinks. Thou shalt not judge. Cept the world seems to wanna try, which is why most people will go to hell. And i will partying in limbo somewhere cause god will be like " Damn, your freakin me out man". and i will be like "Thats cool man, cause when i was trippin on mushrooms this one time and we were talking in the pits with mind lasers, and i read your thoughts from the cosmos and beyond i saw this coming." I won't change for anyone, not even god, and i think he understands that, cause we have that connection, and he is cool with it.
Seriously though, the middle east sucks. I wanna head back to where "the sky is blue and all the leaves are green, and my hearts as full as a baked potatoe".
September 12, 2005
Days away from the conclusion for one of the most intense "trips" i have ever been on. I look back at it all, and then i turn around and look in front of me and can see the end, and i can't feel anything less than achievement. It seems like I have stepped into a whole new realm, a new state of being, and changed my whole understanding on various feelings and ideas.
Loosing all the distractions helps you focus on the truths buried beneath the misconceptions. I realize now, that regardless of what people say, or what they think, i used to block it all out with various influences. Things i thought helped free me, were really just there to help me forget about the reality, and create one that i wish existed. Like a child at halloween, dressed as a super hero, or some other ideal of something they haven't become yet, cause deep inside they know they can be great, but don't yet understand what it means, or what it takes to do it. And this one night, they can be there, and acknowledge it and be it and know its there. But the next day, they are normal again, with all their dreams of greatness to build until next year, when they can go there and be an ideal again. I feel like everyone needs that stage, everyone needs to fantasize about what they want, because it helps you focus on what truly drives you in life. However, to pretend for a night, and to block everything out and just think about it never gets you there.
There was a point in time where i was ready to stop pretending, because i wasn't getting any closer to my goals, and my fantasy was a reality i started to live because i never thought about the distractions and let go. I realize there is more to the fantasy. Like everything else, a fantasy doesn't exist without reality. A fantasy is never meant to be your reality, but more of a guide. The fantasy is your life, and you are living it right now, but you are only seeing how you wish it could end and so many want to escape out of the present state and be at the end with all the luxuries. When we pretend we are there for to long, the real experince will slip by, and that real experience you always want in your fantasy fades quick, and you loose your chance.
I will never regret anything i have done, or look down on people who haven't moved on yet. I am just...here...like everyone else. And i don't want to forget what it feels like to be standing up after i have been sitting down for so long. Reality exists, and fantasy is just a manifestation of the answers in your head. All the clues were there when i stepped out all the time, but i finally came back to put them all together, and start figuring my life out.
I have learned that so many people where masks, and they are so guarded, because they are afraid of getting hurt, and they are afraid of being left out or behind...and worst of all, alone. The one thing i have learned so far is that we are all alone, because we are all individuals. I feel like most people go out and buy the popular costume of the year so they can all fit in, and its the people who dress different, and pick the original costumes that stand out. We should never compare ourselves to others, because we are living seperate lives, and at any given point in time we can choose to leave where we are at, walk a thousand miles to somehwere new, and look back at all the cheap costumes and say, "I dare you". I am not protected out here, but i know alot more now then i did back home, sheltered by the safety of simularity. And by being un-protected, i get hurt by my weaknesses, and thus learn from them, all the scars teaching me how to do it right the next time. And thats where you find your strengths. Some people get hurt, and then never take a chance again because they are afraid it will happen again. By doing that, they never learn how to do something and not get hurt.
This is where you step out, and you experience that "trip" you always fantasize about...
I have finally let go, and left myself out here...and all i have to say is "I dare you"
