....Feeling Like I'm Hypnotized

Here it is... Cumulative thoughts of over a month or so, very random, very pointless at times. But nonetheless, im sharing them with you. (alot of the good stuff was hand written in a journal, and im still deciding if i want to transfer it here yet...maybe...if you're lucky)

January 05- today
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I looked into thin air.. And i saw so much. Sometimes its good to take a moment away to yourself, and just see everything. I feel so alive right now! Im starting to realize that happiness comes from within. Not from the world, or the people you know, and not from your love. Those people and feelings may help you realize your happiness, but its there whether you notice it or not. And i think, its a matter of if we choose to see it or not that determines how we feel. I think happy is a dead word though. So i want to use the word ALIVE. and right now, i am more alive than i have ever been.




"I wish i was a monkey. Sit in a tree an eat bananas and fruits. Chill in the jungle and make noises. Chimpanzeees. That be fuckin sweet"
Here I am. Mind wandering. I feel like I have nothing, and everything at the same time. Like I am living two lives at once.
I am back here in VA. And I feel so mixed up now. Going home just opened me up to so many things I started to forget. Made me take a whole new look at my situation, re-think my current assessments on life.
I was wrong about so many things i guess. Or confused, or just misunderstood, or had a mis-interpretation of the whole scheme of things. I realize, a person can be happy anywhere they are. I am happy here, and I am happy at home. I use to think I needed to get out and see the world, explore the unknown, and tell great stories. Well, I am starting to realize that stories aren't so great unless people can relate to them. I am also starting to realize that it doesn't matter where you live life, its how you live your life.
A great adventure means nothing to me, unless i have extraoridinary people to join me. I'd rather remember a great story with my friends who were with me, than to tell a great story I have of myself, that everyone just smiles and nods at.
I guess when I am alone for so long, I get used to it, forget the way people and places made me feel, and make me who I am. In a way, I feel like I was getting caught up in this routine everyone else follows, one I absolutely hate.
Anyways, I have this stack of pictures of all my friends back home that I've been looking through. And as i look through them, i think about that qoute "A picture is worth a thousand words." So as i flip through these pictures, I realize they are the story of my life, each picture is another chapter. And the thing that has me feeling really weird is that I am reading this great story of my life, and it's such a good book, and i can't put it down.
The thing is, I don't want to be reading the story of my life, the book should't be done yet, but as look at these pictures, it feels like... I left a huge part of me back home, and, its not so much that i dont enjoy being out and seeing new things, its more like, I went about it the wrong way.
But see, here's the weird thing. I like the people I have met, But I am a part of everything back home, and I am happy in both places. Confusing right? Now you can kinda see where I am coming from.
Here's the thing, I preached alot about getting out of town, but, i realized getting out hasn't changed me at all really. It's helped me define myself a little more. But I am still the same person. I guess I am a hypocrit for saying this, but i hate hearing people say they need to leave town to be with a new crowd of people. Flushing is full of all the friends and people that have influenced us, inspired us, and created who we are. I went home and was just taking it all in, just being thankful I knew the people in the room. And as i looked around at everyone, i couldn't comprehend why anyone could say friendship is not a beautiful thing. Cause i looked around the room, and saw the most extraordinary people I/we will ever know.
It's obvious that we will eventually all lead our own lives ya know. But, for now, why not enjoy friendships that have lasted for years. I don't think its wrong to want to leave town, but i think there is a time and place that it will feel right. And i feel like I needed something different, And i know my life took me in this direction for a reason, but of course, i never had advice like i am giving all of you. I listened to adults who forgot their friends a long time ago, and got stuck in "the routine."
This doesn't make much sense i know. Basically, i needed change in my life, so leaving for me was right, but at the same time, the people i spent time with back home are like my inspiration to be who i am. And, i guess I feel like I am fighting for a cause i don't beleive in anymore, and its sad knowing, i dont get to see those people that inspire me because of society's sick desperation and greed.
Life in flushing is whatever you make of it. I dont think i hated the town, as much as i needed some adventure in my life. I guess take it for what it is ya know.

..........................Someday, we will all go on an adventure together, and we can all remember it for the rest of our lives.

(I need to write something funny for once. Seriously)
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New entry>
Im surrounded by water.... I have no internet connection, so this could wind up to be a big post. Considering that it will be collective of almost a month. But get used to it i guess, cause my posts have been getting progressively longer and longer. (I hope i'm not boring anyone)
Its strange being out at sea. My reality is a small steel ship. My society consists of about 300 people. It's easy to forget about the world out here, everyone seems to be so caught up in their job. I think thats what seperated me from them. I can't focus on a job 24 hours a day, for however long I have to be out here. I still think about my life, remember my friends and family, and try to be myself as much as possible. Like now, listening to coldplay, headphones on, and computer out. Trying my best to shut everything that would remind me i am on a ship.
What i have noticed though, is most other people don't do the same thing. I always tell stories of things i have done or people i knew, i guess trying to make connections with people on a deeper level than just the person who is relieving them for a couple hours to go sleep. I don't understand it. People walking around like their are dead inside. Zombies even.

Strange times out here. There is no real schedule here. I never get to sleep at the same time of day, this tends to make the days blend together, really strange experience. It's like a really bad case of insomnia. Maybe that's why everyone is so Zombie-like. Maybe i will just eat someone's brains and see if anyone thinks its out of the norm. MMmm brains! Brains would probably taste better than the food they serve us on a daily basis. I actually read on the boxes of meat when i went in the kitchen that they were grade D meat>> "For prison and military use only!" I am not kidding you. I just eat fruit and salad alot and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Sometimes peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

Im realizing this is probably really un-interesting to anyone reading it. But, its keeping me busy, and in a way keeping me from going insane out here. So if anything read it out of pity.
All of you star gazers would be jealous of the sky i get to see every night though. 360 degrees of stars, clearer than you can ever imagine. And the algae in the ocean glows green at night, as the wake from the ship disturbs it. All you gotta do is join the navy to see it. lol (not worth it)
Anyways, I told people my spoon was to big, and they didnt understand. And than i said i was a banana and they were really confused. Oh the simple life, i can't wait to be a landlover again. Maybe i will just convince my crew to become pirates with me, than we can have some fun or something. Find treasure, and bury it on small islands or hidden in some cove. Then drink ale and whiskey with gold teeth, and monkey on my shoulder. Yeah, that would be fun. I think the U.S navy would be more intimidating as pirates too. I mean, ruthless pirates who will stop at nothing to steal your riches, or cute sailors in a uniforms from a cracker jack box??? Besides, i really want to carry a sword, and rock an eye patch and crazy hat, with long hair.

OK, nuff said? i think so. Soggy cereal brain syndrome for sure. I think im gonna get naked and start the revolution, eat some brains, and pretend im a pirate so i can add some excitement to my day.
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We all wake up the same way. We all survive the same way. But before i met everyone i knew, I never lived this way. Back home has been on my mind more and more ever since i went home. Its been crazy, thinking about how much a small town can make such a big influence on a person. Although, we all have our conflicted relationship with Flushing, or any other small town in this great country, we all learn and grow so much from it. And despite what you think, we all have learned, and we have all grown up because of that town, and because of the people we knew.

I have been thinking about life, as i normally do. And im realizing there is alot of dis-illusioning going on all around us. This quest we are all on.... I mean, i feel like i need to be successful ya know. But that success will mean restricting my life to do it. I dont want to loose all the time inbetween my goals and my present aspirations to be myself. I think not having to worry about money would be nice, but i think its over-rated. I just want to have a good time with my life. And i think, that if i don't have my many struggles through life, the juice isn't worth the squeeze. I wanna be the old man who has crazy stories to tell to his kids about the time i grew up. Not the old man who pushes there kids to be successful investment bankers so i will have something to talk about with them. Cause im looking at a picture of us at mikes apartment right now, and i realize that the picture right there is what life is about. All smiles, good company, and a neverending night.

Im not saying success is a bad thing. But it isnt worth my obsession. I would die for anyone of my friends, but i would never die for a stack of cash and a fancy car. I'm not really sure where im going with this, cause my friend keeps bugging me to use my laptop so he can watch a porn. It's really distracting, and now disturbing. Anyways.

There is a routine the rest of the world follows out there. People's stories are all the same. I don't want to be them....
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(unsaved post..gone) Anyways, it was about this great island i was gonna buy for us all and i was gonna name it "Scottland". Yes unoriginal name, but different spelling. Long story short, scottland would have all this stuff, and i promise you it would all be really cool stuff. It would be like the new united states of whatever. Only less people, no religion, but lots of tropical fruits. And all we would do is eat fruit, and trip in the exotic jungle and shit. Yeah anyways, the actual post was way better....seriously.
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Ok, i didnt have time to post this awhile ago so i guess its gonna be a little bit longer than i thought it was gonna be. Just a little.

So like usual, lots of stuff on my mind. I think my life is changing and growing so much lately that its hard to talk about anything other than the mixed up reality i have been living in. There are all these dimensions and planes that i keep jumping through. Each one feels different, but yet, i am at the same spot. Im just not exactly sure which one i am on right now.

I look at things i wrote in the past, on here and in my journal. And i realize alot of it is not what i meant to say, or exactly what i felt. But at the times i wrote some of those things i felt really different. In some cases i wanted to feel something different than what i was feeling. Its true that i miss alot of things, and sometimes missing those things is difficult. But what i am realizing is that my life, and the things i miss are seperate things now. And i dont mean that i dont care about them, or that i won't find my way back, but that for now, i walk a very narrow path, and its hard for people to follow it with me. Right now i can't wait up for people.

It is to much for me to handle to lead a life back home, and with my dad, and with all the new faces. It seems so chaotic sometimes. So i end up driving alone in the night, chasing feelings and memories.

"i want to live life, and always be true"

Its hard for me to even write about how crazy things can sometimes. I guess thats why i find myself here so much. Hoping that i can add on to a concept or a theory long enough to define it so i can understand whats going on. Truth is, i dont think there is one right now. And i guess i like the fact that i dont know whats next, or whats gonna happen tomorrow. There is no routine, there is no answer. It just makes life that much more exciting. Everywhere i end up seems like somewhere new. I think thats what i need right now. I just hope someday i will be able to look back and make sense of it all. Cause right now, i feel retarded writing about the same things every night. But like i said, i can't put a finger on it yet, so, i guess i will just keep writing.

"feeling this lost, helps me remember how it feels to be alive" I want to sleep........

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Multiple pieces i guess. Mumble jumble everywhere... Maybe splitting it all up will help me consolidate a little. who knows.

I feel like there is so much beneath the surface of my existance, i guess that goes hand in hand with the existance of mankind, the universe, so forth and so on.

The string theory, the very equation for everything..... Definately will have to read up on that.
Seriously though, i go in so many different directions everyday, every minute. I just feel like im trying to be confused by something, like some one doesn't want me to focus to much on my uncomfortable curiousity that there is something else i just can't see. Every person starting a conversation or walking by me indirectly taking my attention away from that 'something'.
"feeling like im hypnotized"

Its weird though, cause i think about it alot, like maybe if i stay asleep long enough, i will find some answer in my dreams. Or if i star into space long enough, some flash of light will blind me from all the lies and distractions, and instead of darkness, i will only see the truth.

I have come to the conclusion that when people get to my state of awareness, they become tired, and weary, and eventually give up. This is where most people find god. I think thats why people deny the facts that god may not exist. It seems as though most people accept god because they can't find answers to there real questions. Maybe people accept religion as the best answer until someone finds a better one. Maybe thats where heaven comes into play. Total consciousness, the time where we will finally understand.

Im sure we are more conscious when we die, but im not sure if it will bring all the answers. Maybe just one step closer. And i dont think any god has the answer for us, or is going to give it to us even if he does have it. I think our journey in life is to not be any one thing, but a part of everything, and i feel like thats where my journey is different. It feels more right than any religion i have ever tried to follow.

The thing is i know everyone else feels the same things i do. Lost sometimes, unaware, yearning for something that feels more natural, and less chaotic. I want to feel normal, and accepting of my surroundings. There is a huge difference i think with most people. There is a general understanding we all have of the facts. Like we all know how stuff works, we can understand general life situations. But it's realization that seperates people from eachother. Realization means you you can relate. "Its like doing anything in this world. You can watch someone drive a car and understand how it works, but until you actually sit down and do it, its just a basic understanding. Once you drive, you come to realizations of how it feels to drive." You can apply that scenario to life. We all understand it, but few of us have the realization of what life is. Few if any.

For right now though, i dont try to over-analyze. However, the basic structure of my beliefs have been formed. Experience as much as possible. I don't accept any one theory on life, or shut any out. They are all equally informative and sensible to me. Even if i can't latch on to it like others.

Most people think they know where they are at in life. Im sitting in chair, in a coffee shop in VA beach. But where's that? in the US, but where is that? on earth? but where is that? in this solar system? but where is that? in this galaxy? but where is that? You get my point right? We think we know where we are....but we have no fucking clue. Forget what you think you know. We are oblivious to it. The thing is though, we can comprehend this infinity, so therefore, its hard to deny that its out there. Just cause we dont understand it doesn't mean we have to lie to ourselves. I say let the mind wander as far out as possible.

i believe We are all connected in some way, not just with eachother, but with everything...everything. And i think on some level we can pick up on that, which is why some of us, like myself, find ourselves in this state of mind. We can feel this infinity, and the connection we have to it, but we dont even understand it yet, and therefore, won't have the realization of it. But its there.

Set yourself free....let the world move through you.

Me_De_Oh_Ker

the title pretty much discribes life for me right now.. so-so.
nothing exciting.. nothing new.. nothing worth the time.

i need life to give me a big kick in the ass.
i want to find someone special. i want a little more direction. i want a lot of things i cant have.


that being said, tomorrow is a new day.. i might as well make the best of it.

maybe ill show up to my old highschool to visit some teachers and students before i head off to work.
depends on how lazy i am in the morning :).

friday will be good too.. i get to flirt with crystal some more.

Random Shit:
no matter how down you get, youre good friends will always bring you right back up.

Ramble Tyme

Strangers With Candy is such a weird ass show.. half the time in trying not to look at her over-bite and the other half im trying to figure out her character. Jerri Blank says some funny stuff though. Ill post more later probably.