This giant shit ball is heading downhill and gaining momentum.
But to those who forgive and try to forget, there will be greener grass.

I hope this works out like I want it to.
I'll try to forgive and move on with you.

My feelings are too strong and true,
To let something else happen to me and you.


Give me a few days and I will post again..
Once this plane ride subsides through turbulence.

???Utterly Confused????ÔA?Æ?A????ê

and im so not in control anymore......

 

 sleeping away the freshness of life, dreaming of the impossible, experiencing the disfunction of an able body spirit in the prison of youth the commander diving into the unspoken truths,
behind the oppsed who we call our leaders,who are above us in all the glory from the depths of hell. They speak of wisdom, of monkeys and birds, leading armies into battle with broken words.
spirits we are as we walk the earth, a chance at glory and infants birth,but there is no glory, only the old mans stories of the lies and the darkness that follows our dancing steps,into the party wearing shields, and swords drawn,

who am i to find the joker in myself, never understanging me, or the you, and the i,
i look sometimes and see a lost soul, yearning to live and understand, but away from the truths, away from everything that never was. What was there, im not sure, i thought, but forgot before i knew. Maybe the innocence of youth,didnt understand the complexity of my own mind, that creates a world, over analyzes, discusses, feeds, consumes, places above, and at times, has no clue what its doing, but has the liscense to drivesuch a simple bodied vehicle into the world.
cant find focus, purpose, but at times it makes sense, and sometimesnothing can be a comfort, because everything is dangerous, exhausted at times, and energized at others, depression? or weary of the answers? anxious....there are answers we will never see, never beleive never understandin my life, but the truths behind the predictions, behind the theories, behind the prayers is there, but what? what makes it all so unattainable? Why is it there, but gone, i look forward to the future buts theres fog, the past is dark as night, and now, its stormy. Hard to concentrate, and at times, i know there is soo much more to my existance than what i have been granted. The pointless battles of humanity, the evergrowing greed, the disease,and all this means nothing to me, yet, i have been taught the ways, and will put on the battle dress, and we will wage war on the world!! a war started long ago, that i am now a part of.  So we can take the possessions of the world and call them our own, only to consume, and use and abuse them?  To die in our glutony, and smoke our lungs, mistake loneliness for lust, knowing that passion is dust, and love is hard to find, its in the back of everyones minds, cant we give life a chance for once, the wicked and the cursed, have been dispursed into party. Unconscious as we are, we will never see the show. My thoughts are nocturnal, and they are fighting to be verbal, but concealed, i still yield, to share my mind. We never are who we truly want to be. why does our mind make us want something we are not? do we have choices, or our we dealt our own dilema?
lies, and cries for help, never recieved, never believed until now, that its nothing, that never was, i ask my self why, cause i didnt listen and opened my eyes, and now that i know, i can see it,feel it, hate it, and i question the perfection in this picture the people painted? is me who is wrong, or my ancestors ignorant ways, lack of an open mind, seeing the truths, living lies....

I try to paint that picture but it seems as if its just a replica other than my own masterpiece. I need a muse to inspire, to make me desire all the great things in this world. Maybe with age i will forget the rageand be able to turn the page and read on. The words for now make no sense. This was written by a crazy man,a helpless man, the book of life he wrote. But is it me or he who is crazy who disbelieves, whos words we heave,

moments of insanity....

the frequent lack of an open mind. its everywhere, and is nothing at the same time. I see beauty where others find frustration. self defense against a force that does not oppose. Have we made this situation, as well as the rest, something that they are not?who is to say who is right or wrong, and who will be banished, and who belongs.haha... sigh... i guess it can be as easy, or as complexed as i make it. Sometimes it feels good to do both. I think i just need to be free,and keep my open mind. sometimes, i am noticing the most free spirited individuals are reserved, myself included, but only cause society wont let us be free, or because we have been brainwashed to not think for ourselves, even though our instinctstry to point us in the right direction sometimes. I guess freedom has its tolls. to be free you must lose everything, and have nothing...i dont think you can be free from everything... its inconcievable. die trying i guess. even then we are bound to die...wow, thought bubble....question? Are we Ever FREE????????????

Bee-man kicks my can which is his can and our can can aint your can but surprises can .. .. (umm) .. .. fart if you would like a tart made of homosexual heart.. (did that cross any lines?) ..but we're not hatin while masturbating without a glove making love to yourself in front of the fire getting higher with each toke, blowing smoke out four holes packing bowls with both feet, keeping my room neat.. OH NOO.. There Goes My Feet! crazy legs rolling around, slappin the ground, making some sound, ordering digital chinese food off e-bay..

sorry, that absolutely came out of nowhere.

i better call it quits for a bit.
Some random word: S[hingle]

Just to let everyone know.. this is post number 102.
That deserves something but at the same time, nothing. And at that same special moment, the tradition of posting continues. How wonderful.

But sadly I must part from my computer screen early tonight. I need some sleep so I can be ready for work by 6:15. fun..

Anywho. Be kind. Rewind. Stay in tuned and you will be mooned with only the right cheek.

[.:>You're a Bitchy Bitch<:.]

Some Thoughts On Love: It's a wild ride.

I met a bar wench today, and she gave me cornbread and booze. I thought, im only 19, but her enormous...generosity.. told me i shouldn't complain. Anyways, seriously, i ate at the cracker barrel today. We had a class 04160 Entry Level ELINT (CTT A'School) party there. Why the cracker barrel? i dont know. My instructor has a wife he met in Japan who came with us, and lets just say Haiyuroko is still adjusting to our way of life. But yeah, the cracker barrel was fun. She didnt believe us about dipping food in ketchup. It was crazy, our waitress looked like an indian warrior from the back hovering a sweet 6ft and some odd inches above our ground, her name was Margo, and she was prolly in her mid 40's nd was missing a tooth, and she flirted with the marine in my class, and put my friend chris's face in her breasts. The whole time, i was choking on cornbread with laughter, then realized i was at a family resteraunt, and this behavior with the breasts was.. "out of the ordinary" to say the least. We then left and i went to a car wash to clean the car i borrowed, and when i pulled over to the Vacuum area, i noticed the fragrant, nose raping fragrance of human feces. I soon discovered a large pile of what most disgusted people would just call shit, but in the case, and unique structure, im gonna say poop.
((Sigh))

You know... sometimes, i just can't help but laugh at the world sometimes. I'd really like to just give a long awaited "THANK YOU" to all the strange people on this earth, cause sometimes, when i think my life sucks, i think about the guy, who took a shit next to the vacuum cleaner at the car wash on base, and realize whatever reason he had for doing this must have been shitty (no pun intended), but the even greater part of this mystery is, which branch he belongs to in our fearsome military. So have no fear, mr poopy pants is here...somewhere, waiting, plotting revenge on terrorists, and hopefully will help defend this country proudly.

Well, enough about that, but in response to my friend of all friends>>


"Yesterday i spoke to man, who said he could read my mind,
and as he spoke, he dove into the depths of time.

As he kept talking of the truths,
and the secrets of my youth,
i realized i was like he,
and could find the same problems with every mans social disease,
and i could find the same conclusions,
maybe the same solutions,
and when the words cut through me like a knife,
i realized the familiar pain of life,

with the words he dispenced, it all made sense...

we are all ill, but there are no pills
we live then we die, and its time to open your eyes,
forget about the past, because the future is vast,
its not always up to others to get you thru,
sometimes you have to make do, cause its all up to you...."

Ok people, time for a little experiment.
I'll listen to some music (incubus - a crow left..) and try to write some kind of poetry.

Toes...
Time flows like exposed toes,
Tossed in this void of senses.
Where enemies are not foes,
And borders aren't marked with fences.

Through the tall grass you'll see a sad man,
whose only problem was he couldn't say "I can.".
Leaning with his toes on the edge he stared down,
And began his free-fall towards town.

(Scott, feel free to respond to this, I know how much you like to rhyme)

A Random Word That Inspires Gas: Shard.. as in "Dude. . . I gotta shard."

well yay! ditto dr. g.

i dont know what woke me up so early, but god bless the strange noises that bother me.
im gonna go space out for a few. ill post later when my brain isnt as fresh, and isnt as clean.

Well,

I can officially say, freakship is gonna make a comeback. Dr. Gonzo is finally back. Took awhile, but hey, a new laptop is hard to come by.

Anyways, what can i say about my life other than its in transition. I think back to the endless nights i spent with jared driving around in the baiyo mobile discussing a barrage of endless topics, mostly about our lives. I miss those days. However, the change was needed, and i had to make some sacrifices to achieve my own personal goals.

I remember those nights, sitting in the elbow room, writing as fast as my hand could write in my journal about my life, and trying to get out of flushing. I yearned experience, i wanted to hear other people's stories for once, instead of writing about my own. I strive for experience, i think its the only way we can individualize ourselves away from the security of a stereotype, or clique. Im not saying all of us in flushing were stereotypes, but we definately were all alike. Just creative individuals trying to express ourselves, trying to find a deeper, more meaningful humanity that doesnt exist in flushing. This is why we all must go see the world seperately. Our creative genius is to small for that town. But like i said, we will all be back there someday sitting in the same old places, enjoying eachother's company, and telling the stories about the people we met, and the places we have seen. Truth be told, the times we spent there, so carefree our gone.

Trust me though, its time to let go, bend your knees, and jump, and all i can say is brace for impact, cause that jump into life is a rush, and than it hits you, and everything makes sense. You have to get out of the passive observer mode. You can't sit back and assume you know yourself, or you know the world. I thought i knew all that, or at least had a good grip on it. I didnt. There are things i know alot about, and things i feel that no one can take away, but trust me, until you step out of your reality, and into another, you dont know what lies all around you, outside of everything you've known.

Its a trip. Pupils dilated, sweaty palms, strange people, strange conversations, reflections of old memories, connections to space and time, past and present, future, than an every growing chuckle that errupts into a neverending laughter spell, and at times its quiet.........an instant becomes an eternity.........and for some moments you see the beauty, and other times you see the complexity. But for the most part, you can only generalize it all into two words....its either crazy, or weird. and the peak, i know will be chaos, it always is, but it will all slow down eventually, and then i know i'll be able to see the truth behind it all. You will all understand to, you just have to dare to be great. Let it all take hold, and run with it, dont try to stop it, or sleep it off, just let it take hold.....

I dunno, i guess, at times its hard to be out here, doin my thing, missing out on memorable moments back home. But, sometimes you have to sacrifice some things. Its gonna take me awhile to spit everything out that i have been thinking about for the last few monthes. I can assure you i dont regret leaving, but dont misjudge that. If you know me, you know i needed to be on the move for awhile, im not sure how long just yet..... i will never forget the times, even though the times will change, the friendships will always last. I guess the best way to describe it is, i know my connections with all my friends back home, with my family, but what about the connection to ourselves? that is what i think alot of us never understand, which is why we can get so lost sometimes, why we forget, and why people stop caring. Your life is yours... dont let it get away, chase that shit down and jump on it like a fuckin pitbull if you have to!!

Its 3am, and the nights almost over.

Life as i can best put it for now...
>>the Dr.