Freak Ship

"We have been living life in a bubble
We have to get out before it explodes.

Remember when i wrote about writing at our breaking points of insanity or creativity....Well.. id say im leaning toward insanity.

There is nothing worse than breakdown. You can feel it building to that point. And you hold back and deny it for as long as you can. Trying to ignore, trying to forget. Only thing you can forget is how to breath. Thats when you know you have to let go. And it all hits you at once and you let everything flow through. A waterfall of emotions hits you... then you let go.... and it all comes out and there is release. Open up your eyes, open up your eyes.

I felt as though everything had built up inside of me for a long time. Years even. And things that i dealt with on a day to day basis never seemed that bad till today. Something about the words sparked a flame inside me. It hurt, and i realized, i havent been happy. I needed release. I was lost, and can't decide if i still am or not. Silent refection now. I just needed to see something good, see someone who could witness me, someone who could show me reality. But there was no one. i wanted to see you soooo bad. " i looked in your direction, and you paid me no attention do you? I know you dont listen to me, cause you say you see right thru me dont you?"
i didnt have anyone, and thats what i think really set everything off cause there was no where to turn.

"oh no, whats this, a spider web and im caught in the middle
so i turn to run, and thought of all the stupid things ive done
and i never meant to cause you touble
and i never meant to do you wrong
but i wonder if i ever caused you trouble
oh i never meant to do you harm."

I think i see things in other people, that are reflections of things i have seen before that hurt me. It ruins me knowing outcomes of situations before they happen cause i have seen them before. I only stress those beliefs when i see them again in my life. And i try soo so hard to change it, but its hard. " Nobody said it was easy" and i think thats what i have to realize cause i thought it was. There is so much i feel, and so much i want to express, but my actions are lost to some people. I find myself wanting to give up all the time. And thats what got me here. I ignore my own beliefs sometimes. And i always wind up here. Breakdown. You have to think everything thru so you can understand it. Its not about giving up, giving up is a way to ignore the fact that you have to accept everything for what it is and that you can't change the world. But you can never stop trying. Sometimes the best you can do is express yourself to the world and the world take that expression as it will. even if it doesnt change it, you feel better knowing its out there.

I feel like i actually woke up, and that things on some level make sense to me. I think i just numbed away everything for so long with certain things. And i think the reality of those things and what they took away is really starting to show. Call me a loser for saying they ruin you, maybe not alltogether, but they take away a part of you. And the reality of getting it all back can be alot to handle. Its like i was locked up in a room with the doors open. There was so much outside, of them but it was comforting inside as well, cause i didnt have to deal with what was outside. Thats where sleep came into play. Sleeping all the time cause i always felt tired, and always feel tired. I think it was just an easy escape from things. But the more i slept the more my dreams started making sense. There is to much truth in them now to deny them. I read back over them now and i see a reality i cant ignore.

I dont know what the general outcome is i guess. Or if today was a chance to understand myself or not. I just know it feels really good. I had my guard up for so long, and when i can sit here and admit that i just feel relieved. I can't live life like that, it doesnt make me happy. Just letting it go, letting my guard down. Maybe i am naive, maybe im ignorant. But i know what i want in life.

My day started horrible. I was hungover, i had a dentist appointment (which some of you know how much i despise dentists..well the evil ones at least) and i had to get up early for that,a dn knew i had to work tonight. Then i got in an argument with my mom, and it set me off...not angry...but really hurt for reasons im still trying to understand and explain to all of you. But i was hurt..and i tried to deny it and say i was better than that. I came to the computer to write about how pissed i was and i put on music and starting to talk to jess about it and i couldnt even type..cause i realized i wasnt pissed..i was hurt...my hands were shaking and i fought as hard as i could to deny it still..which made it worse. I just ran out of my house and started driving...couldnt even speak if i wanted to. and i was still trying to figure it all out of what the hell was making me feel like that. Then, like i said, it all hit me, and i just let go. I was just trying to hide everything that has built up for years. something i was listening to...coldplay ..yeah anyways " Come on yeah, come on yeah, Everythings not lost" Like i said, call me a loser, i dont care.

After my very sad drive i stopped to get gas cause i was about to run out. And i stopped in some small lil gas station and i filled up and went in to pay. The girl looked at me and prolly noticed something was wrong cause she gave me one of those double looks, like she was reading me. And she hands me my change, and looked at me and said very sincerely, "i hope you have a good day" ... and i honestly truly appretieted it and was like " thank you...you too" Got in my car and laughed at the fact that its the simple things in life, like a girl in a gas station saying have a good day and meaning it, that makes me realize, its not so bad. I drove home the whole time just so amazed and then i started noticing everything. It was just good to know that someone i didnt even know cared enough to say something to make my day better. But like, my day has been like all over the place, and i just feel...... normal... which is good!

I could talk for hours right now about what i feel like right now. It may not be the happiest stuff to talk about, but i just dont think people do this anymore. I think we all feel empty, and i think we all want people to listen. I wont try to make you listen, but if your reading this...then well, either you think im a loser, or you understand where im at and can level with me.
I won't let you down, and i won't turn away. Cause i saw sparks. and i felt everything we all do, and i dont want to let it go.I think i will have to leave you with two more qoutes for the time being.
one for me>

"i wanna fly, and not come down
and live my life, and have friends around"

And this one feels right for all of you>

Look at the stars, Look how they shine for you